I did not hit her it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her I did not ballistic Ecks vs sever the best titled film of all time came out in 2002 and it has since been reviled as one of the worst if not the worst reviewed film on Rotten Tomatoes this film stands at a zero percent with 118 reviews after this review it's about to be 119 that's actually really hard to do usually somebody comes in there and gives the film a lukewarm positive at the very least but in the case of this movie it commits a very serious crime against film see a film can be really bad film can be so bad that it's good a film can be bad but also kind of interesting but unfortunately for this film it commits the universally accepted crime of being boring this is a movie that everybody can agree is so boring and uninteresting that it's easy to see why nobody likes the movie it's not a film that's so inept that it's a Tommy Wiseau experience and it's certainly not a great movie nor is it even a mildly entertaining movie it's just a film that you can possibly remain conscious while looking at that's my pull quote this film also has the distinction of having a video game adaptation come out before the movie is even finished a game based off of the script called X versus sever came out for the Game Boy Advance so strangely the video game based off this movie isn't actually based off the final film nor is the film based off of the video game this is a very unique thing that happened with this movie and it combined to make one of the biggest box-office disasters of that year so Antonio Banderas plays X a man who used to work for a secretive government agency he was very good at his job as we are often informed but he's retired because his wife has been killed or at least he believes his wife has been killed and we first meet him early on in a bar a place we're all sad reluctant heroes go in movies he's smoking he's drinking and some men are trying to recruit him for a job they promised him that if he will do this job they have information about his wife that she might not actually be dead and they can help him find his wife but only if he does the job first this naturally him off but what 

I really like to talk about in this the scene is the state of the bar why is no one there some extras could really help out this scene, it's just Antonio Banderas and the other people he's supposed to talk to it's like they got the location and forgot to fill it with people and we soon meet Lucy Liu's character sever she is kidnapping a young boy who we find out is the child of our main villain a ruthless bad guy why is he ruthless I actually don't know why I see a bad guy cuz the script says so what I'm getting at is that this movie tells you how to feel about the characters we're told Antonio Banderas is a badass we're told he has skills but we don't see any of these skills for a very fucking long time, we don't see the character X do anything of Merit for something like 30 minutes we've just constantly told that he's this epic badass let's look at the movie taken for example it's similar in that we're told constantly that Liam Neeson has a set of skills and until someone takes his daughter we don't really see those explode that being said he's also a bodyguard and at the beginning of the movie we see him have to do something to defend the person he's guarding so we are set up visually what he can do and we understand that he's a very dangerous man we don't know any fucking thing about X he's just a sad-sack sitting in a bar why are we constantly told that he's so epic show us something epic and it's the same with the bad guy he's just a bad a guy we don't fucking know why at the very least sever is shown kicking ass when she abducts this child so that's somewhat of a setup for what she can do and since the film set up her skills early on they decided to set up absolutely nothing else about her she is an emotionless brick throughout the whole movie Lucy Liu is a very likable actress but she is horrifically bad in this film you can tell they're trying to make her that silent stoic badass that doesn't say anything that doesn't seem to emote that is just a ruthless killing machine but that's not how this works you have to have some charisma there has to be something about you that feels human something anything, in fact, I pause the movie right around where you're used to getting your inciting incident that thing that propels the movie forward and you're invested in the story hopefully I was about 13 minutes into this film and I had no idea 

what it was about there's the scene where the agency this recruiting Antonio Banderas sits him down and gives him a huge exposition dump about some sort of nanomachine that can be injected into someone's bloodstream to give them a heart attack and how this bad guy wants this technology and how somebody might be smuggling it and he has to find it but if you're not paying attention to every goddamn word which by the way is something I try really hard to do in a movie you will miss things now I've said in the past and a movie like Mission Impossible fallout for instance that when you're supposed to pay attention to every scene that that's a good thing that's when a movie has something to offer that's when dialogue has something to give you emotionally or at least get you invested in a story but a guy just standing there rattling off about a fucking nanomachine that's possibly out there that maybe could do something and our hero who's sitting there looking like he'd rather be doing anything other than being in this movie is a very easy way to make me not give a shit about your plot if you don't seem to give a shit about your plot guess who also won't the fucking audience everything about this the movie feels LowEnergy Antonio Banderas walks around looking like a zombie Lucy Liu doesn't emote the extreme overuse of slow-motion bogs down the action scenes from any form of intensity they might have had which brings me to what I really would like to talk about and that is the period after the matrix came out in 99 the matrix obviously changed the way we viewed action movies and sci-fi it was something that was very revolutionary and there was a period that I just called the post matrix years after 99 - maybe like 2004or 2005 where Hollywood was absolutely obsessed with recreating whatever it was the matrix had not only is this a Warner Brothers movie just like the matrix but it's also a film with a Don Davis score who also composed the music for the matrix and it seems to me that Warner Brothers and the makers of this movie took all the wrong lessons from the matrix they thought while people wearing sunglasses and black clothing with slo-mo fighting and slow shoot-outs well that's what made the matrix good right fucking wrong bitch the matrix had a great story it had great characters it had great visionary

 filmmakers behind it this film takes the aesthetics of the matrix rip them off of it tries to put it into another movie and fails horribly another one that I have talked about in the past that I will probably also review in a hilarious --'tis segment in the future is the one starring Jet Li not only was the title a rip-off but so was the action in the film so as ex is out there trying to find his wife he runs in to sever who he realizes has this kid and she wages an all-out war on the streets of Vancouver I mean people are being shot and killed left and rights he's beaten dudes with batons she's shooting all over the place and the people against her are also shooting all over the place without exaggeration Vancouver has turned into a war zone and here's our hero X running around doing what he shot a goddamn tire that is all we know about our super special skilled guy that we're supposed to think is so badass he shot out a tire get that guy on the job he fucking knows what he's doing for instance in the middle of this very awkward ballet fight that exits ever have one punch seems to hurt his hand this guy couldn't even be a celebrity bodyguard let alone some super-agent in the middle of this action the scene they stopped to have this really awkward bit where this guy is making out with a girl and the suggestion is that she doesn't want him to and it just stalls the action for some really awkwardly placed comedy that doesn't seem to make any sense why are these people just there in an alleyway who is this guy who is this girl what is fucking happening why should I care and Ray Park is in the film that's right Darth Maul himself I want you to observe a scene with him you're sweating except he's not sweating at all it's a fucking close-up god damn it do you think we're fucking idiots and since the only thing the film really seems committed to is mindless action sequences it's strange to me that they couldn't even get that right is that what happens when people get shot yeah like that's like what is that after Vancouver is turned into a war zone Antonio Banderas finds himself at the house of one of his fellow agent shaving a staring contest I wrote down in my notes

 I wrote staring contest builds a character at this point we're about 35 minutes into the film and there has been one scene with the villain one why should I fucking care about any of this so after fighting one another X and sever go onto their computers and research the other people and we get a great two-minute scene where they read I don't know how they have access to these documents I don't know where they're getting these documents and I don't know why we have a two-minute scene where the characters are reading about the other person you know a lot of people look for alternatives to medicine sometimes people want to go to bed and they don't like NyQuil I just watch this it'll work but once X realizes that his wife is still alive and tracks her down we get a weird emotional soap opera scene inside an aquarium complete with romantic dissolves the emotional beats in this movie are so unearned and cheesy that the very best they can do is cause laughter so we learn here the epic backstory that took place to create this mess that we're in Antonio Banderas was married to this woman and this asshole decided to fake their deaths he rigged two cars to blow up X's car and his wife's both of them were positioned at the right spot to witness the other person's car blow up so both of them have gone on living for the past seven years thinking the other was dead why I don't fucking know I don't actually know goddamn it may be a guy wanted to get with this girl maybe he wanted to smuggle nanotechnology into this child which is what he does there's no real motivation for any fucking thing but here is where the big plot twist comes into play and it's where the title X versus sever stops making sense entirely because after this sequence x vs sever is no longer a thing they had a fight one time and now they team up against the bad guy dumb fucking title, you guys get the point the kid that's ever abducted isn't the bad guys' kid it's actually X's kid that he had with his wife before he supposedly died and the bad guy believes it's his son I have a question that someone somewhere must have asked at some point and I believe that I can describe this query with a graphic so like all great hilarious ATI's X versus sever features some incredible green screen I completely buy everything

 I'm looking at right now none of this looks fake at all so now we get to our big finale sequence which takes place in a train yard explosion are happening all over the place there are minefields as well throughout this train yard very little is set up very little is explained the use of so much explosives are barely mentioned it's all glossed over in a second we're just supposed to believe that ben eat hall of these trains lies a ton of fucking c4 how did this happen who put the mines there I don't understand what's going on and of course, all of it is in slow motion see the matrix compensated for its use of slow-motion by also having fast-moving action it was used sparingly when it was used it was impressive it was never just used to be a slow-motion for slow motions sake the only thing slower than the motion in this movie is its progression of the story and its characterization there was a point where it got became so scattered for me that I didn't really know what we were shooting anymore with the action with the explosions and I just thought okay well I'm just gonna show up to the side and just apply chaos put me wherever he wants to put me and you know he would say okay you know you're gonna turn you're gonna run that way and okay great so then you get on the train he's like okay you're gonna jump up the Train and I'm like okay great whatever and then they're like okay let's and rolling and bring on the pyrotechnics literally this fireball I think they shot the rehearsal because after that I was just like oh my god thanks for telling me so now sever is gonna fight with Ray Park who by the way it goes by the name of the Prince of Darkness in this movie which is a fucking hilarious nickname, huh and for some reason, they set up a noble fight it's where they drop their weapons and they're like no we're gonna fight hand-to-hand we're not gonna use any of our cheap weapons or tactics 

I don't understand that where did they ever set up a history with these characters how are we supposed to care about the noble fight that's being set up between these guys we don't know anything about their history we don't know anything about their backstory why didn't they just fucking kill each other well fortunately Ray Park is capable of doing some amazing stunts and so he at least looks cool but Lucy Liu does not she is so slow throughout this fight scene and the impacts have no weight it looks like shadow boxing they barely look like they're making contact it's fucking embarrassing just like old times huh and now that the main the villain is there and sever has the drop on him she shoots him with something that apparently is that nanotech that can cause a heart attack and in so doing we get yet another hilarious reaction to being shot what the fuck like oh Jesus all that's raining is that the best you can do No that intercut CG to let us know exactly what's happening inside of his bloodstream that to me was the level where that is where I truly checked out so everyone saved X and his wife have their kid and severs happy now and the law shows up and they accused sever of being a killer so where's our mysterious killer just not a cadet and what is she a mother so yeah at one point she had a kid she has a photo she often looks at it's about the extent of her characterization but are you seriously denying that she's a killer need 

I remind you that she turned Vancouver into a goddamn war zone yeah I'm thinking she's a killer likes he factually she is a killer she actually killed people so the movie ends with a very cheesy song and that's ex vs. sever this movie is a mystery to me it's a real enigma it seems like a lot of money was given to a production that just wanted to rip off the matrix it's a film that is so so boring that I can understand why it has that zero percent this is a movie where everything about it is so uninviting and so uninspired that it commits that universally accepted crime of being boring this the movie is nothing it's extremely easy to dislike there is but one memorable shot in this movie and it's this shot of this dude falling on a car I like how they committed to the actual impact and made a car that could do that was impressive besides that this is something you've seen a thousand times before and done considerably better guys thank you so much as always for look forward to more hilarious ''this very soon I'm excited to bring these to you I know you guys have been requesting more of these and I'm gonna be working on a lot more of them so I hope you guys enjoy them thanks as always for reading and if you like this, you can comments write here and get stuck mine eyes